Trying to figure out how to live the rest of my life...
without the love of my life.
I think I've got a handle on it. He loved me. Not enough to stay alive for me but he loved me. It was like I always thought storybook love should be. We were friends for a year before I dared to tell him that I was crazy about him. He was surprised and pleased, I think. We took steps to spend more time together and to get to know each other. He had a hard job, taking pictures of tourists on the various tours his company provided. He only made money if someone paid for the USB with their pictures on it and a little from the tours' tips. With the advent of "everybody has a cell phone" it had gotten harder and harder to convince people of his value, maybe even himself. But he was great at it and he kept trying. His time was dictated by which tour he was sent on each day and he didn't know what it would be until that morning. Our times together were often brief and last minute. A text from him saying "I will be there at 8 am" was a cause for celebration. It might be for twenty minutes or forty-five. I would go to the second floor balcony of my apartment building to watch for him walking toward me. It was so much fun to be having a heart pounding love affair. Our age difference didn't matter much to him nor did our significant life differences. We shared humor, affection, money problems, love of food and finding great places for a quick breakfast. On the afternoons that it fit his schedule we'd have another hour or so. Sometimes he just asked if he could lie down on my bed for forty-five minutes because it was the only quiet place he had to go.
I absolutely refuse to celebrate anything about my 80th birthday because it was to be our second shared birthday together. I'll admit to being eighty but there will be no cake or candles or flowers because he isn't here.
I think I've got a handle on it. He loved me. Not enough to stay alive for me but he loved me. It was like I always thought storybook love should be. We were friends for a year before I dared to tell him that I was crazy about him. He was surprised and pleased, I think. We took steps to spend more time together and to get to know each other. He had a hard job, taking pictures of tourists on the various tours his company provided. He only made money if someone paid for the USB with their pictures on it and a little from the tours' tips. With the advent of "everybody has a cell phone" it had gotten harder and harder to convince people of his value, maybe even himself. But he was great at it and he kept trying. His time was dictated by which tour he was sent on each day and he didn't know what it would be until that morning. Our times together were often brief and last minute. A text from him saying "I will be there at 8 am" was a cause for celebration. It might be for twenty minutes or forty-five. I would go to the second floor balcony of my apartment building to watch for him walking toward me. It was so much fun to be having a heart pounding love affair. Our age difference didn't matter much to him nor did our significant life differences. We shared humor, affection, money problems, love of food and finding great places for a quick breakfast. On the afternoons that it fit his schedule we'd have another hour or so. Sometimes he just asked if he could lie down on my bed for forty-five minutes because it was the only quiet place he had to go.
I absolutely refuse to celebrate anything about my 80th birthday because it was to be our second shared birthday together. I'll admit to being eighty but there will be no cake or candles or flowers because he isn't here.
This is my last birthday.
The decision I have made about all this is to be grateful for the love we shared and to know it will always be mine. He is gone but he left loving me and I will always love him and appreciate the time we had together. Nobody can take it away. I will always cry when I think about him and miss him but I will always smile at the memories of my time with him.
What a gift he is to you.
ReplyDeleteLove never dies. ❤️
ReplyDelete